It's all about LOVE

Many of us live under the delusion that arranged marriages just don’t happen anymore, but they do – I know many of my friends going the arranged way including me. Your parents, relatives, friends and these matrimonial websites are just a medium through which you meet your soul mate. Even when you date someone, you meet your date through some medium – at a wedding, at a friend’s party or at your workplace. Arranged marriages are no different. You get enough time to know the person and then decide. Your parents fix up the coffee date. Rather these coffee dates come with a purpose unlike the casual dates. I’m someone who is equally comfortable with the concept of love as well as arranged marriage because I believe that ultimately, both have love which decides if you want to have your happily ever after with this ‘one’ person.

Must say, this groom hunting phase is absolutely crazy. I log into my shaadi.com account more than my facebook. But am happy that I have been given full freedom to decide everything and I have got the coolest parents I could have asked for : ) which actually doesn’t make this phase stressful. I get surprised by people who are embarrassed to admit that they have their profiles on these websites. What is there to be embarrassed about? It’s simple – Am not in a relationship and I am looking for someone who can make life even more beautiful and bring stability to my life. 

I also fail to understand what is it that love marriage has and an arranged marriage lacks. And it’s funny how people rush to Google for help in every matter. It’s your relationship, you can handle it better than Google and can you really apply the same formula to all the guys you meet or even to the relationships when we know all human beings are unique? Same goes with these coffee dates – you cannot prepare for them. Each guy or girl you meet is going to be different and it will be in your best interest to be yourself because you cannot pretend to be what you are not for all your life cos this is the guy you will wake up next to every morning. Don’t give those standard answers just to make it look like you’re a 'good girl' because good girls are nothing but honest. 

Though Google isn't the answer but before you meet the guy, it is always good to look for him on social networking sites so that you have an idea about him and it is always good to ask your mutual friends, if you happen to have any about the guy. 

Lot of girls are nervous on these coffee dates. Even I was on my first coffee date for this arranged marriage thingy. And with all these dates, you’ll realise that some guys would just not let you feel that you’re meeting a stranger. A guy who makes the girl feel comfortable and accepts that it’s okay to get nervous, would probably prove to be a better partner because he isn’t being judgmental and in fact, he is making an attempt to know you. And darling, you have every right to be nervous around a stranger. Wear something you are comfortable in but is smart at the same time because when we meet someone we look at their outward appearance but at the subconscious level we analyse their behaviour. So if you are conscious about what you're wearing then you would spoil your chances of finding your Mr. Close-enough-to-perfect and avoid make-up, let the guy like the real you. 

Decide on a place where both of you're comfortable or just meet and then decide where to go. Just hang around, spend time as if you're friends meeting after ages and unaware whats happening in each other's life. It works! : )

and then comes the most commonly asked question – what are you looking for in your partner? Well, I don’t have a list. I seriously don’t. Someone who is well educated, and hails from a reputed family – that’s it. But that’s not all : ) Some people just focus on tallying their needs versus what the guy is made of and if it all tallies, they go for the guy – just doesn’t work out like that for me. I need to fall for the guy. Someone who can sweep me off my feet and who also goes head over heels for me. If I love the guy then he’ll be the core of my existence. I would leave it to my instincts; I feel my heart will call out if he is the right man. I hold my heart in a crystal ball and prize it above everything else as it’s the source of all my emotions. All I need in love is an assurance that my man would be besides me always. So if you have a list of expectations, let him know. 

My idea of perfect love is a relationship where two people grow together and where there is lot of comfort and understanding. Also, there should be lot of respect. A little leeway should be allowed to each other in every relationship. Too much dose of love and care can prove to be fatal to your relationship. I am pragmatic and believe in independence but I am someone who would be happy to have my man’s support. I would want him to be protective but not possessive, that makes me feel claustrophobic. Rather that would make anyone feel that ways. Someone who can lend me his strong shoulder to lean on and a protective cocoon to live in. I dislike Doubting Thomases especially when my emotions and sincerity are at stake. We all want to be trusted. Family is the centre of my life. In spite of ambition and drive, I prefer being with them. I am someone who looks for inner satisfaction in my career and not money.

By temperament, I’m not the most conventional romantic. I cant imagine myself giving cards and flowers, but I might just cook something you love to make your weekends, I might stay up all night just to give you company cos you’re working on something important. On the other hand, I strongly believe in love and fairy tales and it does sound stupid to many men but that’s how it is for me and for many other girls. We are not as complicated as you guys think. We desire love that is enveloping, yet not overpowering. Some rather many people think fairy tales are only for girls. Really? Well, who wrote them? Many of these were men who came up with these fairy-tales. It’s the great male fantasy that all it takes is one dance to know she’s the one. All it takes is the sound of her song from the tower or look at her sleeping face. And sometimes, just the shoe that fits her right. And right away you know – this is the girl in your head, sleeping, dancing, singing in front of you. Yes, girls want their prince but am sure, boys want their princesses just as much. May be, they just don’t admit or it is against the macho laws society has created for them.

Each one of us is a star. Sometimes we shine with the rest. Sometimes we twinkle alone. Sometimes when we least know it, we make someone else’s wish come true. So girls, when you meet someone, keep it in your mind that you’ll be his dream come true. He is not going to find you special unless you feel the same about yourself : )

Be yourself and don’t be judgmental. People judge you by your profession. An MBA can make a good husband as much as an engineer or a lawyer. And remember, a man who doesn’t respect your profession, doesn’t deserve to be with you. Be patient, listen to what the other person has to say. Do not jump to conclusions. Let the other person know your expectations. Your first meeting might not tell you if you want to marry the guy but it will definitely give you a clarity on if it has the potential of turning into a life time relationship and should you be investing your time in knowing the guy more. Opposites attract – we all have heard that but when it comes to being with someone all your life – I don’t know if it works. I would go for someone who is like-minded so that we have a lot in common to enjoy life and with time, we will also start doing things we never liked doing.

First meeting is just the ice breaking session. See, if the guy brings out the real you and give you his undivided attention. To some, I might seem distant and formal and to some, I might be someone fun to hang around with. It just takes the right guy to bring out the ‘real’ you. I’m friendly once the ice is broken. Also, quite approachable but I’m capable of building a fortress around me and block people out. I am emotional as well as practical. That helps me maintain a balance and not go overboard with emotions. I might be submissive but I don’t get easily influenced. I’m not someone who gets jealous when it comes to relationships. If I do, I would dismiss my own jealousy pangs as mere annoyance and silliness. I am someone who would grow and improve myself than go green over what others have. I am a staunch believer in doing everything at least once, even if it’s something totally crazy. I dislike loud and bash behaviour, especially if it is about love, public display of love or affection is a big no-no. I like to keep it simple, subtle and of course, genuine.

Nobody can know everything about you in just one meeting. But if he is the guy then he will notice things that you might have never known about yourself. If you think, the guy might turn out be the one you would want to grow old with – spend time and get to know him more, your whole life depends on your decision. You happily ever after might just be closer than you think : )

Also, do not be too friendly. First be sure about your answer – yes or no. Though it’s an arranged marriage but there can be heartbreaks. Do not send across wrong signals if you haven’t yet made up your mind. It cannot be denied that you don’t get much time to decide in arranged marriages. But whatever little time you get, make the most of it.

And dear men, keep your slapstick comic jokes at home. Do not expect us to show our funny side in the very first meeting and tag us as ‘serious’ types. Try to match my grey cells and we can think about revealing the funny side to each other.

Parents have an absolutely different criterion when they are looking for a match for their son/daughter. Respect it but do not blindly follow what they have to say. You have to spend your life with that someone ‘special’, so you have to be sure if you see them as your better half/full.

And then another thing I don’t understand is when the very first question parents ask over the phone - Is your daughter fair? Is your daughter beautiful? Is your daughter tall? My educational qualifications, my inner beauty, my values at this point are not of prime importance. It’s not that I don’t want a good looking partner, who wouldn’t want one? But looks still matter more. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who goes gaga over my looks and doesn’t appreciate who I am.

And Does my being fair really important?

I never thought about being a brand ambassador for ‘fair and lovely’.

Do fair girls prove to be better life partners or better daughter-in-laws? Or how high are the chances with your son not being so fair or good looking of producing fair and cute babies? And wait a minute, why didn’t you produce one? Things would have been simple for me.

(That sounds rude, I know)

And why are you thinking about how your grand-children are going to be at this stage? Rather shouldn’t you be more worried about your son’s chemistry with the girl, else the biology will also fail and fair or not so fair, there will no babies.

Haven’t you heard? Beautiful things come in small packages : )

When will we learn to look beyond this set criterion – fair, tall, beautiful?

Our parents fail to understand us at times and at those times, we can’t even explain it to them. Beta, the boy is from a very reputed family, he is highly educated, he is everything that a girl would want in a guy. No, he has everything, you would want in your son-in-law but not everything I want in my guy. How do we explain it’s the chemistry that’s missing? Cos then your parents tell you, love eventually blossoms. Thankfully, my parents understand the chemistry part because they had a love marriage and they did date each other for couple of years before getting married. They don’t believe in matching horoscopes, they believe if two people are in love, no stars or planets can do anything.

The problem still remains. The chemistry part in arranged marriages cannot be explained to parents who have had a love marriage. Now here is where chemistry would make all the difference – you will one day be married and you will have to share your room with someone, that includes your bed too. You cannot deny but after few years, your family will expect you to have babies and then you cannot brush out the chemistry part. How is one suppose to make babies with someone who she doesn’t love or when there’s absolutely no chemistry between two people?

Your naked body belongs to the one who falls in love with your naked soul.

And remember, no film is every complete without the relationship drama and no relationship is good enough without the filmy drama J There are going to be ‘n’ number of girls prettier than you but you will just have to find that ‘one’ guy who doesn’t care and can seize your heart.

So girls, when the time will be right – you will know he’s the one : ) Till then, laugh at the mystery : )

Dump the aah’s and the umm’s. Do what you feel like. Drop the pretenses. Be the real you. Be the mad you. Be the crazy you. Be the awesome you.

and you must read this beautiful letter from a father to his 'little' one : ) You will absolutely love the way it's written - http://drkellyflanagan.com/2013/04/17/a-daddys-letter-to-his-little-girl-about-her-future-husband/

Love! xx