Happy 2014 : )

As another year comes to a close, take time to think about people in your life who made 2013 a little different. Without them, you wouldn’t have been what you are today. The experiences that shaped you into a better individual. Take time to say thank you, in writing if you can. A text or email won’t do. I feel, the magic that a paper and a pen can create cannot be created by typing it on a word pad. You have to feel the beautiful curls of the cursive to thank people from the bottom of your heart who loved you & made 2013 an incredible one for you and, see the ink bleed through the paper for those taught you few precious lessons. Sounds crazy, right? I mean, thanking those who didn’t make you happy. No. It isn’t crazy. I promise you won’t regret it as it will bring some clarity to your own life. It’ll set you free. Something both poignant and frightening about writing is its permanence. A heartfelt letter might be kept forever. If you choose to use your words for good, the recipient might find your thank you years later, at a time when they need encouragement, and maybe it’ll inspire them to do the same to someone else or to not do what shouldn’t have been done.

To me, this is the intrinsic beauty in writing. This is why I hope to make a career of this craft someday, so that I can use the power of the written word to make the world a bit happier of a place. Even if it’s just by brightening one person’s day or telling someone how wonderful they are. I’ll be glad that I could at least make few happy.

So I’d like to say one final thank you to those who strengthened my belief that world is a beautiful place and to those who didn’t let me forget that indeed it’s beautiful but nothing is perfect and things do go wrong, the beauty lies in getting up and having that big smile on face and think that from this moment, it can just get better : )

And like every year, one resolution – Whatever I choose, how many roads I travel, I hope that I never be dishonest.

The Cake I baked for NYE :)

A GLIMPSE OF 2013 and the years gone by : )

2013 has been a strange year after a happy 2012, academically and professionally. I would just call it an ‘okay’ year. I don’t know why.

Let’s say it taught a lot of lessons or may be, that’s a sign of growing up or maturity.

Few Things 2013 and the years gone by taught me:

1. Not everyone you meet is going to be honest. Trust yourself that when people lie to you, you will learn that it’s in your good interest to forgive them, remember it all as a lesson, bake a cake and eat. Oh! Yeah, my new found love – baking : )

What people say might eventually turn out to be not true. But then what if you do not believe in what people say, this might take away people who are honest to you because you will keep doubting them. So I guess, it’s better to trust people and get hurt than not trust them at all – who knows who is worth all this trust : )

2. You should never have regrets in life. Say what you feel. It’s better to look back at life and say: I must have been crazy to do that than say: I wish I did that. Saying what you feel isn’t an act of selfishness but an act of bravery. Take the risk! It will make you happy.

3. If anyone breaks your trust, then you’ll need time to be okay but then it’s definite that you will be okay.

4. There will be times when you’ll doubt if being a hardcore optimistic is good but trust me, it is not just good but it’s absobloodylutely awesome.

5. That person you see in the mirror, needs your love the most.

6. If you are ever uncertain about anything, leave. You are yet to reach a place where you’ll be hundred per cent sure and there’ll be no uncertainity.

7. You need someone who will lift you up. Who has as much drive and ambition as you do. Who wants to go to the places you want to go. Who will support you on the way there. Someone who isn’t jealous of your accomplishments, but praises them. Someone who isn’t looking to compete with you and that person is no one else but you : )

8. Never be afraid to say you messed up. It’s better to admit your faults than pretend you have none. Nobody is perfect.

9. From time to time, we are all unkind. At least, I know I am. In the heat of a moment, I forget that the person in front of me is wrestling with their own demons, trying to make it through the day; just trying to do their best. Sometimes I think we forget that the person we see in the mirror is trying to do their best too. And maybe if we learn to be kinder to ourselves, we’ll be kinder to others too.

10. Take a day off. Sometimes we need a day off especially if it just seems little disappointments keep knocking us to the ground. Many of us are much stronger than we think but there are days we will have where even getting out of bed seems like too much to ask. Just take a day off and do nothing but eat, sleep and watch TV. You’re a human being not a machine. Work is important and so is your own self.

11. I wonder at times, why couples break up or why marriages fail? And I just don’t get the answer. Are some problems even bigger than love between two people or is it not possible to stay in love with someone all your life? Won’t we make compromises/sacrifices/changes in our life to make it work? I guess, all we need is two people who are willing to stand by each other through every thick and thin of life. I still have no answer to the question that why some relationships don’t work out unless… I don’t know. I am yet to experience this phase.

12. STOP being judgmental. STOP!

13. Be a little more kind than you were yesterday.

14. Be thankful for everything and to everyone.

Wish you all a very happy new year! May your happiness quadruple in 2014 and you get to experience every joy that you’ve imagined : )

Love xoxo
Astha

Life was once magical and then I grew up!

When I was a child, I looked at life in total wonder and awe. Life was magical and exciting, and the smallest of things were utterly thrilling to me. I was fascinated by the birds singing, trees moving along with the car, a butterfly flittering through the air, stars shining bright at night. Parting with my tooth was also exciting, because it meant the Tooth Fairy would be visiting me that night when I would be sleeping and I would count days to that magical night of Christmas! I had no idea how Santa Claus could make so many kids around the world happy in one night, somehow he did it, and he had never let me down until I grew up and then my wishes could no more be put in the socks. I don’t know if my wishes have become unrealistic or may be, weird.

There were fairies in the garden, my dolls had personalities, Red Riding Hood was real and so was snow-white & the seven dwarfs, Alladin could fly on the carpet with Jasmine, I could have long hair like Rapunzel, my dolls celebrated their birthdays, dreams came true, moon was a relative, and I could not just touch the stars but also, keep them in my room. My imaginations had no limit and I believed that life was magical. I had an exquisite feeling that everything is good as a child and there’re no bad people. The only thing I knew was we all loved each other, there were no feelings like hatred and jealousy. The only things I disliked were spinach, bottle gourd and lady finger. I didn’t know what having a grudge against someone meant. I didn’t know what it was to hurt someone with words because everything I spoke was taken as cute, hilarious or childish. The innocence I once had is lost, now I understand those mean words which can rip you off. Then every word made my day, because all I knew was good people. Every new day meant more excitement and more adventure and that nothing could thwart my joy for the magic of it all.

But then I started to grow up, responsibilities, problems and difficulties took a toll over me, I became disillusioned and the magic I once believed in as a child faded and one day, it just disappeared. I guess, this is why I like or we like being with little kids because we see them enjoy like we once use to, even if it’s just for a moment. We see the joy on their face that once was there on ours. The only place I get to live my childhood is at home with my parents. No matter how old I get, I will always be little for them. They would still tell me when I first started to crawl or walk, how I didn’t cry on my first day to school, how I loved buying matching hair pins/clips, the first word I spoke, the first time I went to my grandparent’s place to spend my summer breaks when I was in Play School and how I refused to recognise my mom when I met her after a month. There were no worries then and there are no worries now but then what is it that makes life less magical than it was when I was little.

I am not sure now whether the magic I once believed in is true or it’s the disillusioned adult perspective of life that is false. I wish life was as breathtaking, awe-inspiring, and exciting as it was when I was little. When did I give up believing in the magic? I don’t even remember. Or I believed in it until sometime back. But how long back? I don’t know.  Life has become so stressful and busy that we don’t even remember when we stopped believing in the magic that once was everything to us. 

‘FAIR’ SHARE IN HUSBAND’s PROPERTY ON DIVORCE How fair?

Yes, the woman of 21^st century has changed. She can spread her wings and fly. If she doesn’t have the wings, she will look for the broom. But she will find out a way. We’re corny women of today. We do not sit and cry when things go wrong, we step out and get over it. We are educated – we deal with it in a better way. We laugh it off. We do not cry over the spilled wine. We just say – May God kick your ass in the best possible way. We don’t whine, we wine. We stand up for our men but we sit with our girlfriends.

The first time ever we are talking about wife’s share in husband’s property on divorce. The recent amendment is too vague. I know, we can never have a law which satisfies everyone. The harsh reality is that the inequality exists – the gender inequality and not in a particular strata of society but everywhere in some or the other way.

We are a country where we constantly talk about gender neutrality and progressive laws and we are on the brink of passing an extremely regressive law saying a woman needs financial security and in turn, we are jeopardising man’s social security and this would compromise his financial security as well putting the entire burden on a man. But then forget about property, women do not even get maintenance allowance in most of the cases.

Are we trying to make marriage a crime for men and women? We cannot rule out the possibility of educated and adulterous women get maintenance as well as get rid of the husband and live with someone else or marry someone else. When a man can leave you for another woman, so can a woman. Let’s accept it. Our newspapers are evidence of the fact that women have come out of that sati-savitri image and pati is no more a parmeshwar unless his name is Parmeshwar.

Now women will be getting a ‘fair’ share in the property of the husband on divorce. Let’s see if it’s actually a fair provision and to what extent when the exact quantum of compensation has been left to the discretion of the judge. Even if a woman decides to walk out from a few days marriage then she deserves a share in the property as much as a woman who gave herself to the relationship for 20 years. How fair is it for those women who made their marriage work for 20 or 30 long years and how fair is it for men to give away an equal share in their property to a woman who couldn’t stay for even few days? Unjust for both – men and women. This would open gates for women who want to misuse the law against their husbands. If the ancestral property cannot be divided then husband’s share should be calculated and wife should be given half the amount as compensation.  

And can you really compensate a woman for what she did for her husband and kids? Can you compensate for the love and care given in all those years? No matter how ambitious women of today are, we are women at the end of the day – we love men with all our heart and expect the same in return. We chase our dreams but we value relationships as well. I’m someone who doesn’t believe that it is only men who cheat in a relationship. We are all human. Anyone is capable of doing anything. Let’s not underestimate anyone.

Accept it or not, divorce is an emotional and financial disaster for most of the women.

Are we (women) really independent? Are we really equal or we just say it? Well, we aren’t. There are things which a woman can do but a man can’t and vice-versa. If we are really equal then husband also deserves a share in wife’s property. Ah! That’s nowhere mentioned. There can also be a case where wife has more to give than the husband.

This wasn’t enough - The Cabinet has also left it to the judge's discretion granting of divorce applied for under mutual consent after a three year period. There can be cases where when one party develops cold feet or changes his or her mind after applying for divorce under mutual consent clause. This can lead to unnecessary harassment of one party. So an amendment has been introduced to allow the judge to grant a divorce if one party does not appear in court.

India has widened grounds for divorce in last few decades. But the fact is that almost all Indian women experience a sharp fall in standard of living on separation and divorce. This has consistently been ignored by our policymakers. But now laws are coming to their rescue: For the first time ever, the nation is deliberating over legal changes that propose to accord women new equality with men on property rights and lifestyle post-divorce.

Those who say educated women shouldn’t be given any share. What about women who are educated and they are told to take care of their children because they are married in families financially well off. They don’t go out to work for 20 yrs. They just attend page 3 parties. What are they left with after divorce? Despite the qualification, no one would give them a job. Moreover, they also have to give up the kind of lifestyle that they got used to in the past few years.

The cabinet cleared amendments to the Marriage Laws (Amendment) Bill, 2010. It approved a provision ensuring compensation for the wife and children from the immovable property of the husband in case of a divorce, with the amount to be decided by the court. It also proposed to empower the courts to decide the compensation amount from the husband’s inherited and inheritable property for the wife and children once the marriage legally ends. A new section, 13 (f), has been added for this.

There had been disagreement over whether a woman should have right over property acquired by her husband after marriage only or over his inherited property too. Another proposal was approved by the Cabinet which gave woman the right to oppose her husband’s plea for divorce under “irretrievable breakdown of marriage” clause. The husband has not been given any such right.

A proposal to provide for a quick no-fault divorce after three years of separation was also approved. The proposal allows courts to exercise discretion in granting divorce after three years if one partner does not move a second joint application for divorce with mutual consent.

Live in relationships are also not an alternative as there also a women does not have any set responsibility or conduct. Women still get maintenance from their live-in boyfriends under the Domestic Violence Act. Their children get maintenance from him. Also if the woman decides to take revenge, this will invite rape charges against the man. Punishment for rape is even more stringent today after so many cases have been reported recently. Personally, I do not think live-in relationships are anyway a good idea. A man who loves you wouldn’t mind marrying you.

This is just going to make people resort to ways to hide their property by putting it in the name of other family members, people will find a way out and the woman will be denied her rightful share in her husband’s property.

This legislation is likely to rape men legally and financially. But like I said before - forget property, some women do not even get a maintenance allowance. This is a confused piece of legislation which has confused me. We are still where we were - nowhere. Let’s not forget that this is INDIA, there are n number of ways to not disclose income or property. All this is just going to entangle the woman in extended litigation involving the families as well. I don’t know if it’s fair or unfair but we need a law which is equitable for women without extorting anything from men.

(My personal views are mine. You’re entitled to your own opinion.)